I Asked For a Divorce and My Heart is Breaking

15Oct11

I’m sitting here alone, hiding in my computer room from my daughter and her friends, crying.

Again, I am sitting here crying.

My husband and I have sunk to a new low. I am more miserable than I have ever been. It’s not that anything is different, it’s that it is all the same and I have no hope.

Living without hope is so incredibly hard. Living in a hard, lonely, isolated, pain filled marriage without hope is deadly.

I asked him for a divorce last night. He said yes.

I asked for the divorce because I was so overwhelmed and broken by more broken promises, less effort (which I didn’t think was possible). I asked for a divorce because I can’t handle the pain anymore. I asked for a divorce because I am breaking into tiny pieces before my eyes as he hurts me with his neglect,¬†abandonment and lack of trying to make it better.

I have never felt so alone, so unwanted, so rejected and so totally alone. It only makes sense then to divorce. At least there would be a reason to feel like that.

The dream of until death do us part has died. My heart is breaking in pieces. I thought it was a dream that would last a life time. How could this go so wrong? How could my marriage disintegrate like this?

And why won’t he stop it?

Mya Angelou has a saying that when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

If he keeps showing me how little he loves me, how little effort he is prepared to make this right, how little attention he will give me, how low on his priority list I am, what other choice is there but divorce?

I am tired of begging to be loved. I am tired of waiting for my turn that never comes. I am tired of hurting this much all the time.

But the question that I keep is asking is WHY?

Why doesn’t he love me enough?

Why do I have leave in order to feel safe and secure?

Why are we at such a deep bottom?

And…

Why did he marry me?

Does he hate me this much that seeing me in constant pain makes him happy?

I know that the S Anon approach is that is not about me, its about him. But it feels like it’s about me because I am hurting so much. ¬†It feels personal because this is my marriage and my home and my life.

I don’t know how to handle all this. THIS all is too much for me. I can’t take it.

I told him at our last RCA meeting – the statement – that the anger and mistrust are too great for us to handle (words from RCA) were my feelings and they were ignored.

I have feared for a long time that his recovery is only possible if I leave him. Now I am wondering if he doesn’t want recovery and he is causing this kind of chaos to make me go away. He has told me for years that he can’t understand why I have stayed with him when he (his addiction) has worked so hard to make me go away.

Looks like his addiction has won. Looks like he has pushed me too far and I am officially broken and beaten down.

His addiction wins.

I lose.

Love loses.

Marriage loses.

Family loses.

Hope loses.

And all because he won’t or can’t let go of blame, control, isolation, fear and rejecting me. He can’t take responsibility for all that he has caused and make it right. He can’t stand up and say enough is enough.

So he is forcing me to say it. And I resent that. I don’t want this to end. I don’t want to lose my marriage, my family and my hope.

But I can’t live like this anymore.

So there I am between a rock and a hard place begging for a different option and angry that this is all I have to choose from.

It just isn’t fair.

I have been doing my step work. I have been going to meetings. I have been part of S Anon and RCA. I have read everything. I have attended therapy. I have tried every book, seminar and class to make this marriage work. I have done everything that I know how to do. I have been patient and understanding past the point of my threshold and I still gave more. I have given everything I have. I have been honest, loyal and compasionate.

And that was not enough to save my marriage.

How is that possible?

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19 Responses to “I Asked For a Divorce and My Heart is Breaking”

  1. 1 linda

    Mysa, you are not alone. You will never be alone. Love, linda

    • Linda,

      Thank you. Yes I know that I am not alone but sometimes I feel like it. Thank you for the reminder.

      Mysa

  2. Mysa,
    I wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and praying for inner peace. I will comment more later, but I am pressed for time right now.
    CB

  3. 4 Cindy

    I am so sorry that it has come to this for you. So much of what you said is what we have all felt and experienced with our SA’s. The ‘why’ question is one of the hardest to get past. The addiction is so powerful and has such a grip on them – we are put in an impossible position of fighting against it. I pray that you are able to find the strength to do what is best for you.

    • Cindy,

      Thank you for the kind comments and reaching out in such a deeply painful moment. The comments and feedback from everyone has been my lifeline in so many dark moments. But I feel that I have to share the darkness as well as the light in order to be honest and authentic. I used to live with the pasted on Happy Face and shoved my pain down. As much I want to continue to do that, I have to force myself to let it out, Let it Go and Let God. God comes in to my life through people like you.

      You will see from today’s post that I am still working the program, still working on my marriage and still here. Even when I think that I can’t go on, somehow I manage to keep walking one step in front of the other. I wish that I knew for sure that it was walking to recovery and serenity and not walking into more crazy. But that is not for me to know yet or I would know, right?

      Mysa

  4. Mysa,
    So much resonates with me and all of us I am sure. I agree with Cindy, you must do what is best for you. Tying to understand and put my head around this addiction/disease has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I took my wedding vows to heart and tried twice 2 keep it all together, in the end I realized I just couldn’t live this life anyomore. Their addiction is too powerful and hurtful to maintain a relationship where both people contribute and work at it. The SA’s are too consumed with the addiction and self absorbtion and whatever goes on in their heads to think beyond that. My soon to be ex still rents a lot of space in my head, and tries his best to control wherever he can. I am determined to move through this divorce and come out on the other end full of love and trust enough to open my heart for new love. I have never done this much self help, but’s it’s working. I pray for you Mysa, I pray for everone including the addicts.
    One resource that is really helping me is Trandformational Breathing. Check it out.
    Thanks for writing such a powerful blog, and I am so sorry you and your husband could not work together, I was so hopeful.
    CB

    • CB,

      I subscribe to Hazelden’s daily thought message. I found Hazelden through Patrick Carnes who I consider to be an expert in healing addiction including sex addiction. This message has really helped me so I am reposting it here for all to read.

      Today’s thought from Hazelden is:

      Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive.
      –Anais Nin

      We are surrounded by women and men who are necessary for our development. That’s a startling revelation perhaps. We don’t even like everybody in our life! How can we need them? But we do. Our Higher Power clearly understands our purpose and our needs, and ushers into our lives those people who will help us grow and change and contribute. It sounds mysterious initially, but when we get accustomed to the idea, we are relieved. Each person will teach us something we need to know about life and about ourselves.

      Our individual character is growing, changing, maturing. Our understanding of others and our experiences deepens with each unfolding event. The world is ever changing. By design, not coincidence, we will befriend those people who need us, just as we need them.

      I am where I need to be. My friends and associates need me as I need them. We are moving and growing in concert.

      I believe that my husband and marriage are part of my learning and my evolution. I need to grow in this relationship even when it hurts. My husband is battling his addiction. So far he is sober and has been for almost a year but now he has to re-parent himself and lead his own growth and maturity with the help of his HP. As much as I wish that his sobriety equaled maturity and mental health, it doesn’t. I accept that now the real work begins.

      He has been an addict since a teenager. He has avoided all emotions, pain, stress and responsibility by avoiding it and hiding in his addiction. It is the only way he knows how to keep safe. My needs are the needs of an adult woman in a marriage. His skills are that of a teenager, where the world is new and is so unsure of what to do. We are not at the same place and it causes both of us great frustration and fear which equals pain.

      I am sorry that your husband was not able to work at your relationship the way you needed him too. I am sure that it caused both of you much pain. I am sorry that the end of your rope ended before healing really began for you and that is my personal greatest fear. I am terrified that the end of my rope will end before we reach the place of healing. I am scared that the distance between my end and real healing are too great for me to bear and break under the pressure and fear.

      I also pray daily for all addicts and all of us who love addicts. I truly believe that healing of addiction will be the greatest contributor to our world and peaceful growth and expansion. I am a part of that healing. You are a part of that healing. We all need to care for ourselves and follow our hearts.

      I pray that you will find the healing you seek. I pray that we all find the healing we seek. The pain and insanity that addiction causes is so great. Please do not give up hope on me. I need your hope when I lose my own and what I just experienced was a huge loss of hope.

      Thank you for being in my life. It means so much to me.

      Mysa

  5. 8 Barbara

    I totally feel your pain. It is so difficult to answer all those “why” questions. I don’t know how old you are or how long you have been married. I have been married 39 years, and my husband and I have been in recovery for a year. But I would give anything if I could go back in time. If I could, I would leave him. It would be painful, sure, but at least I would have a chance at a better life. Now I am 60 and I don’t want to be one of those lonely, single women you see everywhere, eating dinner alone, going to movies alone, etc. So I am staying. But if I were younger, I would be out the door so fast his head would spin, and would be sad for a while but would not look back.

    Feeling your pain, commiserating with you, and sending you loving thoughts.

    B

    • Barbara,

      Thank you for empathizing with my pain. Just like Oprah says we all need to know that we are heard and what we say matters. You have just validated me and my pain. Thank you.

      I have been with my husband for almost 17 years. We have been seriously working recovery for almost 2 years and my husband is almost at the 1 year sobriety mark. Although we have been walking through hell during the active addiction stage, now the real terrifying work of recovery and healing begins.

      You bring up a point that I have thought often about. If I could go back in time, would I marry my husband knowing what I know today. Some days my answer is hell no. I would run for the hills and leave. So many times I have deep resentment that I stayed when I wanted to leave. I get angry that I did not leave him when his addiction was disclosed and I threw him out of my life and heart.

      But other times I accept that I was who I was and that the injured soul in me that was seeking healing was drawn to the injured soul in him, If it wasn’t him, would I have chosen another one just like him? I think I would have. Nothing and nobody else connected with me at that time.

      I pray for your recovery, for your husband’s recovery, your marriage’s recovery and all of our recovery. There has to be a reason and reward for all this suffering we are experiencing. There just has to be. I pray it is for the healthy, healed recovery and marriage that I see in others who have made it through and to the other side.

      God bless us all.
      Mysa

  6. 10 CB

    Well I found out 6 years ago and we have been in recovery. Then this past January I caught him in more lies and learned he had lied on many occasions. I am turning 60 in February and I am divorcing him. I am relieved and happy to be moving forward on a new journey and I no longer have to wrestle with my feelings and wonder what he is doing. It’ never too late to begin again. Just make sure you have the resources and support to continue your healing, push through your anger and resentment and don’t settle for less. Everyone deserves happiness!

    • CB,

      I am sorry for your pain. Congratulations on finding your strength and resolve to do what you need to do. We all have path’s to follow and only we and our HP know whether to stay or go is the right thing for us. It sounds like you realized that your furthered growth can only happen on the next stage of your life. I wish you happiness, love and peace. You deserve it and we all deserve it.

      I will pray for you and your new life. Thank you for reaching out.

      Mysa

  7. 12 TJ

    Mysa the only thing I can say is that I am so glad I didn’t leave before the miracle occurred? I know what Gods will is in my life I have no idea in yours – the most important thing to do is to work your program but I’ve always said 2 things the worst thing is to stay one minute to long – or leave the minute before the miracle happens. We stayed a long time before the miracle but the miracle came… I like to call the 12 steps the 12 miracles.. it is so true.

    • TJ.,
      Thank you for the boost of hope. I needed that. That is what has kept me this long – I dont want to miss the miracle because if it comes in this marriage I know like I know it will be spectacular. Thanks for sharing that you got the miracle.
      I am done my 12th step. The crazier our life got, the more I worked on my own steps. I feel comfortable with the progress that I have made. We are the 4th RCA step and my husband is just finishing his 4th – 5th step now. So hopefully my miracle will come soon.
      Mysa

      • 14 TJ

        i hope so.. but and we were slow learners ours didn’t come for a long time and I’m so glad I didn’t leave… I could have never guessed what God had in mind for us as after we got couples sobriety God called us to services in ways I could have never imagined w/in a year of getting relationship sobriety

  8. 15 Barbara

    It is wonderful reading your response, Mysa, and also the responses of others. I am hanging in with my husband. He is really trying to work his recovery, and I am hoping for that miracle to happen in our lives. HP is with us, that I do believe. Maybe once we do more step work it will seem better. A year into our recovery, he is about to read his first step, and I am working on my fourth step. That one is an eye opener.

    Yes, I do love my husband on some level, but after being in denial for all those years, I continue to question all my feelings, even the ones that show him some favor! As they say, one day at a time. Some days, it’s one minute at a time.

    Wishing you peace.

    Barbara

  9. 16 Cb

    I wish all of you to find your inner strength and do what is best for you and no one else. I feel blessed that we have each other to understand the insanity of this disease. One of you asked a profound question. Would I do it all agin if I knew the truth. My answer is no! But I also accept that I was not in a clear state of mind and my heart was not open when I met my husband 15 years ago. Looking back there were many signs I chose to look the other way at. When I have healed and I am ready to give and receive true love I welcome The new journey. We are all here to learn lessons. I am learning, growing and healing and truly believe there is something better waiting when I have worked through this process. I am hopeful to find a man with an open heart and that all baggage, including my own will be unpacked, and I am hopeful this will happen. I long for a truthful, loving relationship where we are both ready to give 100% and be present on every level to work through all issues together. No blame and shame.
    Thank you all for your comments and shares.

  10. 17 R.

    I’ve written a few times, and follow your blog and your journey through life and recovery. I see myself reflected in you and I hope that you know how much your joy and even pain has helped many of us.

    I’ve only been part of my cosa program for three months, and I question my marriage daily. My husband doesn’t think his acting out is a problem and he says just the right things to make me think he’ll seek recovery, but hasn’t yet.

    I fear that years will past and I’m left waiting and will have stayed in a marriage where only I seek recovery. I value your honesty with us on your path of recovery and hope that you find the strength in you to do what is right for you and you start to see the pieces put back together in your life.

    • Dear R,

      Thank you for sharing my journey and thank you for the vote of confidence. If you have been reading long you will notice that I fall down just as often as I get up. I hope that is the part that you say has helped you because I am just a wife, navigating totally unchartered waters and I flying by the seat of my pants.

      Congratulations on starting your own recovery. Once you start working the program, changing yourself and how you interact with the world, your world has to change. It is a law. Hopefully once your change becomes enough, it will be what your husband needs to seek recovery as well.

      I wish for you the miracle that I am working for myself.

      Mysa

  11. 19 Cindy

    This sounds like me exactly.. I have left my husband of 28 years. I have lost our marriage to alcoholism. It’s not fair. I know exactly how you feel. It’s hard to accept the fact that he loves the addiction more than you ..it hurts like hell


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