I Asked For a Divorce and My Heart is Breaking
I’m sitting here alone, hiding in my computer room from my daughter and her friends, crying.
Again, I am sitting here crying.
My husband and I have sunk to a new low. I am more miserable than I have ever been. It’s not that anything is different, it’s that it is all the same and I have no hope.
Living without hope is so incredibly hard. Living in a hard, lonely, isolated, pain filled marriage without hope is deadly.
I asked him for a divorce last night. He said yes.
I asked for the divorce because I was so overwhelmed and broken by more broken promises, less effort (which I didn’t think was possible). I asked for a divorce because I can’t handle the pain anymore. I asked for a divorce because I am breaking into tiny pieces before my eyes as he hurts me with his neglect, abandonment and lack of trying to make it better.
I have never felt so alone, so unwanted, so rejected and so totally alone. It only makes sense then to divorce. At least there would be a reason to feel like that.
The dream of until death do us part has died. My heart is breaking in pieces. I thought it was a dream that would last a life time. How could this go so wrong? How could my marriage disintegrate like this?
And why won’t he stop it?
Mya Angelou has a saying that when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
If he keeps showing me how little he loves me, how little effort he is prepared to make this right, how little attention he will give me, how low on his priority list I am, what other choice is there but divorce?
I am tired of begging to be loved. I am tired of waiting for my turn that never comes. I am tired of hurting this much all the time.
But the question that I keep is asking is WHY?
Why doesn’t he love me enough?
Why do I have leave in order to feel safe and secure?
Why are we at such a deep bottom?
Why did he marry me?
Does he hate me this much that seeing me in constant pain makes him happy?
I know that the S Anon approach is that is not about me, its about him. But it feels like it’s about me because I am hurting so much. It feels personal because this is my marriage and my home and my life.
I don’t know how to handle all this. THIS all is too much for me. I can’t take it.
I told him at our last RCA meeting – the statement – that the anger and mistrust are too great for us to handle (words from RCA) were my feelings and they were ignored.
I have feared for a long time that his recovery is only possible if I leave him. Now I am wondering if he doesn’t want recovery and he is causing this kind of chaos to make me go away. He has told me for years that he can’t understand why I have stayed with him when he (his addiction) has worked so hard to make me go away.
Looks like his addiction has won. Looks like he has pushed me too far and I am officially broken and beaten down.
His addiction wins.
And all because he won’t or can’t let go of blame, control, isolation, fear and rejecting me. He can’t take responsibility for all that he has caused and make it right. He can’t stand up and say enough is enough.
So he is forcing me to say it. And I resent that. I don’t want this to end. I don’t want to lose my marriage, my family and my hope.
But I can’t live like this anymore.
So there I am between a rock and a hard place begging for a different option and angry that this is all I have to choose from.
It just isn’t fair.
I have been doing my step work. I have been going to meetings. I have been part of S Anon and RCA. I have read everything. I have attended therapy. I have tried every book, seminar and class to make this marriage work. I have done everything that I know how to do. I have been patient and understanding past the point of my threshold and I still gave more. I have given everything I have. I have been honest, loyal and compasionate.
And that was not enough to save my marriage.
How is that possible?
Filed under: Broken Trust, Lonliness, My Personal Past and Healing, Partners of Sex Addicts, Patrick Carnes, Personal Recovery, RCA - Recovering Couples Anonymous, Sexual Addiction, Sexual Anorexia, Working the S Anon Program | 19 Comments