Huge Learning At SA S Anon Marathon Meeting

23Oct11

I just returned home from a joint SA and S Anon marathon meeting, which basically is a day and half of intensive meetings. I loved the concept and the joint effort. My husband got to attend his first open S Anon meeting and see what I experience and I got to see and hear from SA’s and see how they respond. It was an eye opening experience for both of us.

It was wonderful to be in a group of people knowing that EVERY single one of us was dealing with the same thing. Although at RCA conferences we know that everyone is in recovery and dealing with addiction, you never really know which addiction someone is coping with unless they share it.

But here at this meeting, every one of us was dealing with the sex addiction and the effects of it. There were people from the entire spectrum of the recovery process from brand new and this being their first meeting to over twenty years of sobriety and recovery. There was so much for me to learn but also a lot for me to teach.

I thoroughly enjoyed it.

There were some revelations that my husband and I experienced. There was healing for both of us and our marriage. There was companionship, fellowship, understanding and growth. It was wonderful.

We took the time to spend off meeting time with another couple from our local meeting. We bonded even more than we had already. We were support for each other and we got to be “normal” for a time being as well. Our relationship has blossomed past recovery into genuine friendship. What an amazing gift that is for all of us. We have so few friends and nobody else that knows our lives and our true relationships like we do for each other. Absolute true intimacy.

We had dinner together and discussed what we each were taking away. I took away a huge ah ha moment.

In one meeting a member shared something that jumped at a me like nothing else has ever before. It was so crystal clear that I wondered why I had not realized this before.

We were discussing anger and rage. We discussed our backgrounds and many of us came from alcoholic families. We learned rage behavior from our families. We learned that it was powerful and commanded attention. One member shared that she was told by someone not to rage when her husband acted out because her husband would view her rage as his punishment. Once the raging had subsided, then he had paid his penance and he had endured his punishment. He was now off scott free.

I remembered how if I did not rage when my husband had behaved badly, he would purposely pick a fight to enrage me. He knew how to get me from zero to one hundred so fast. He knew how to pick a fight that get me out of control angry. No matter how many times I tried to be rational and discuss solutions to obvious problems, he would have to get me so mad. I could never understand why. Now I do.

I remember the first time he broke sobriety and acted out. I told him after his confession that I could listen to him but I was not able to speak. I needed to process my thoughts before I was able to discuss this. I told him that I needed to get help from my support group.

Instead of seeing this as a genuine responsible and authentic way of dealing with a crisis, he kept attacking me verbally until I lost all ability to control my rage and anger. I blew up and started screaming and yelling being totally out of control and hysterical.

Now I realize that if I did not inflict his punishment and become enraged by his actions, that he would have to take responsibility for his own actions and consequences and that was not something he was used to doing.

How obvious it seems in retrospect. I wish that I had of known that one of reasons that recovery works so well is that it teaches us to opt out of this dysfunctional dance that has been created. Once we change how we react, then they have to change how they deal with their own behaviors.

I can’t imagine that I could ever lose my temper again after learning this information.

I am actually considering now attending the joint SA /S Anon International Conference being held in New Jersey this January. I had originally thought that this was not something for me that it was only applicable to my husband but after this marathon meeting, I am seriously considering attending with him.

Filed under: Broken Trust, My Personal Past and Healing, Partners of Sex Addicts, Patrick Carnes, Personal Recovery, RCA - Recovering Couples Anonymous, SA Sexaholics Anonymous, Sexual Addiction, Sexual Anorexia, Working the S Anon Program   |  12 Comments
Tags: anger, effects of rage, rage, RCA, recovery, s anon, Sexaholics Anonymous, sexual addiction