I haven’t blogged in a long time. I thought I had said all I needed to say and that I was out of words for this blog but I realized that there was this last one to write.
I am leaving my husband. I am leaving this marriage.
I asked someone in my S Anon group how I would know when enough was enough. She told me something that I have lived by. She said when you come to a place of calmness and absolute clarity then I would know.
That day arrived.
I can say with absolute certainty that I did everything I could to make this marriage work and then I did more.
I loved with my entire whole heart and then I loved more.
I gave everything that I had and then I gave more.
And yet I was still miserable. It became crystal clear that I was using total self will. I wanted this marriage to work so bad, I wanted it to be the happy ever after that I always wanted, I wanted, I needed, I craved. It was all about me.
But what I really wanted was my husband to change to be different, to love me more intimately, to give me the kind of love that I wanted and needed. I wanted him to learn how to love in the way that I wanted and needed.
He did not want the same kind of love, or could not love the same way. Whatever the reason, the reality was I kept begging for changes, he kept promising changes and nothing changed.
He did stop the cruelty. He did stop being mean. His sobriety did change him but it never changed our relationship.
I have learned so much about myself since I made the decision to leave. I have learned so much about surrender and trust and Letting Go and Letting God. God could not guide me when I was so busy saying how I wanted it to be and who I wanted it to be with.
Now I am releasing, I am surrendering, I am trusting.
I am hurting. Don’t get me wrong. This is a painful process. The loss of a dream. The loss of my marriage. The breakup of my family. It is so very sad and painful. I get overcome with emotion when I least expect it and the tears flow. But this time I am allowing myself to feel the pain instead of trying to fix what it is hurting. I am allowing myself to be ok with the pain. I am encouraging myself to feel what I feel, telling myself it is ok, everything is going to be ok.
And I am discovering unconditional love for the first time in my life. I realized that the other and I realized it was me loving me. What a beautiful moment that realization was.
I also realized that it was ok to love the man but not love the marriage. I kept thinking because he was a good man, because he “should” be able to love completely and fully that we “should” have a wonderful marriage. I kept thinking because I loved this man that we “should” be able to have a happy marriage. I was “shoulding” all over myself and all over him.
I do love him. I have always loved him. I know that I will always love him. That was never the issue. I never loved myself enough to stand up for myself and my own needs. I gave all my love away to him and that was not good or healthy for either of us.
It has not been a good marriage for the majority of the marriage. It was a very unhappy, unhealthy, unsatisfying marriage for both of us. We wanted different things. I don’t know what he wanted from me but I wanted from him, he was not able to give.
Maybe he needs to walk this walk alone before he can love fully, maybe he needs to be alone the rest of his life, maybe he needs – blah blah blah. That is my crazy talking mind again. It is none of my business what he needs. I can only be concerned with what I need and this marriage is not providing a safe place for my needs to be heard and met. I am being cruel to myself forcing myself to stay in a place that does not support me.
So I have said goodbye to my husband. We are in the process of separating our stuff, our life, our past and ending things. We are being as reasonable as possible. We are being as considerate as possible but the sooner that we physically separate the better. It is only a couple of weeks and I know that this is my grieving time.
And so as I say goodbye to my old life, to my marriage, to my husband, I also say goodbye to you and this blog. I pray for you all who suffer.
This has been my journey. This has been my steps as honestly as I have experienced them. I hope that I have healed and grown enough that I will choose a healthier relationship next time, one that honors me and my needs but that is up to me to set those boundaries.
To all of you who have been walking with me, I thank you. Carol and David, you will never know how much my heart has been connected to you both. I pray you continue to live openly and honestly and find the love you both need within each other.
I say goodbye and I love you all.
Filed under: Uncategorized | 5 Comments
I have been asked by S Anon WSO to remove S Anon from my blog title. Out of respect for the organization and all the help they have provided to so many people, I have consented.
My blog address and name will remain the same except the word S Anon has been removed. I am in the process of moving all my posts, all your comments and the history of healing that has been created here to:
I hope we can continue to create healing, community and remove the sense of isolation that comes from keeping secrets.
I want to thank everyone who has been reading my blog, who have commented and those who have become like family to me. I especially want to thank those who have silently read and suffered in silence.
I hope and pray that my opening my heart and sharing my experiences, thoughts and actions give some relief to others. I know that I have received so much healing from you and knowing that when I pour my heart out in this vast expanse of the universe called the internet, that I am met with love and acceptance. I can’t begin to share how incredibly healing that has been for me.
See on the other side of this blog.
Filed under: Partners of Sex Addicts, Personal Recovery, RCA - Recovering Couples Anonymous, SA Sexaholics Anonymous, Sexual Addiction, Sexual Anorexia, Working the S Anon Program | 5 Comments
I had a metaphor come to me today during my morning prayers. I just shared the metaphor with my husband and he agreed with it.
The way my husband treats me and our marriage when he goes “to the bad place” in his head is equivalent of him finally owning a 66 Mustang Convertible in mint condition after dreaming of it for his whole life. Then when it rains, he has an uncontrollable urge to take a crowbar to the car and hit it until the urge goes away.
Even when he knows and understands that he is causing damage every time he gives into his urge, the urge is so overwhelming and it is all he knows, that when it rains he feels that he has no choice but to get out the crowbar and continue to beat on the car.
The problem is that the car can only take so much damage before it becomes a piece of rotting junk sitting in the driveway. It no longer looks pretty, it no longer is worth the same value as what it was when he took possession of it and soon it will become useless and not even run.
Knowing that you are damaging the car and understanding that you do it is one thing but expecting that you are able to beat the car with all your power and expect it to be in mint condition AFTER your repeated tirades is where we are today. My husband seems to think that when he comes out of it and can look back and see what his patterns were that he could just pick up where he started and still have that perfect, shining car sitting there.
After almost 15 years of marriage and the entire time living with the effects of sexaholism, our marriage is almost useless and damaged beyond repair. I am convincing myself to stay that things will get better, that one day he will repair the damage and restore our marriage back to mint condition. I am hoping and praying and he continues to promise but unfortunately the empty promises and repeated damage has resulted in a diminishing marriage that is almost useless.
Do I stay until the marriage is totally dead and I hate him or do I leave while there is some life left?
Will there come a day when he will put out his arsenal of tools, all of his time and resources and put the time, money and energy into doing the hard work of restoration?
Filed under: Broken Trust, Lonliness, Partners of Sex Addicts, Personal Recovery, RCA - Recovering Couples Anonymous, SA Sexaholics Anonymous, Sexual Addiction, Sexual Anorexia, Working the S Anon Program | 6 Comments
I have been struggling with so many of the past issues, emotions and behaviors that my husband has been doing. All I could think of was that he lost his sobriety and that we are back in the addiction. It didn’t make sense that he would lose his sobriety but that is what 2 + 2 equals to me.
I just read a comment from Frank who shared incredible insights that have shed an incredible light on what is happening to me and within my marriage.
I was struggling with the broken trust, the layers of pain from our past and was not able to experience any joy, happiness or love from my husband beginning to change his behavior. I took my confession to our therapist and our last session. My husband told me and the therapist that he was ready, willing and able to handle dealing with some of the past. But was he ready, willing and able to deal with the fallout of that kind of emotional intimacy.
Our session brought up a time when he left me during a huge crisis in my life, when I was past exhaustion and totally overstressed. He left me. He abandoned me. He left me alone to deal with all of it and I had deep emotional scars that were buried deep inside of me.
We touched on the surface of that pain.
My pain brought up an equally painful time for my husband. A time when in my lowest of low moments I was abusive, controlling and I can’t think of the words to describe just how horrible I was to him. It was the cumulative effect of years of unresolved, buried deep pain all coming out in one explosion of pain directed directly at my husband.
I was ashamed of myself. I was beaten and broken and that moment was my rock bottom.
We left the therapists office thinking that we were ok for the next couple of weeks until we met again but now I am thinking that we were walking time bombs.
The next day, my husband brought up a comment regarding a feeling that came out of our session. That opened the flood gates of my pain and I purged thoughts, feelings and pain that were buried so deep that I didn’t even know that I felt it.
That began a couple of weeks a hell for me. He shut me down. He said what he needed to say to hurt me and make me stop talking. I did. I stopped talking and retreated so emotionally hurt to be that vulnerable and open, to only be pushed away.
I felt rejected. I felt abandoned. I felt insecure about my deep share. I was confused by the level of emotion that came out of me that I did not know that I had.
Since then my husband and I have not been able to communicate. There have been broken promises, broken commitments and more isolation on his part.
That has created fear, mistrust and anger in me. I have retaliated by trying to make him understand what he is doing but all that does is make him go farther away from me. He stops talking. He avoids me at all costs. I am left more alone, more lonely, more hurt, more rejected than before I opened myself up to him.
It makes me regret attempting to communicate with him. It makes me feel that having an intimate and open relationship with my husband is impossible. It makes me feel that my needs, feelings and experiences are not acceptable to him and he needs to run away from me until I shut down completely.
That cycle makes me angry. It makes me resentful. Here I have stayed committed to a man and a marriage that has been so destructive to me. I have continued to love and honor. I have continued to give my 100% to this relationship and what I am rewarded with is more rejection, more isolation and more pain. How is that a fair reward?
After reading Frank’s comment, I got to wondering, did the intimacy of the moment in our therapists office actually become a trigger for my husband’s intimacy disorder that he had to do these same destructive things to our relationship in a warped way of thinking that he was protecting himself?
How do you heal an intimacy disorder that he has had his entire life? How do you begin to face deeply emotional, traumatic and painful events and remain connected to your partner when you are trying to heal an intimacy disorder.
He kept saying that he did not see his destructive behaviors. He kept asking me what was wrong with me? When I would tell him he would say that he did not know how to handle it and would run away from me. When I would write it in a letter he would say he didn’t understand.
How can he hear me say how much pain I am in and not understand that I am hurting? How can he hear how much it hurts when he disappoints and rejects and breaks promises and then be confused as to why we have a trust issue?
It is all black and white to me. Cause and effect.
What is it in his brain?
Does logic of cause and effect even work for him? Will he ever begin to understand that the outcome is a true indication of the success of an action? If I am in pain and crying when he thinks that he is being honest or loving, will that ever translate to him that he is not creating the life he thinks he is?
My husband is taking medication for a serotonin deficiency. He must have had it all his life. I understand that this is common in addicts. But now that he has been properly medicated for many months, how do we resolve the intimacy disorder?
And does he even want to?
I think that is the key. Does he truly want an intimate, open, caring, nurturing relationship where both of our needs are met and we are safe with each other?
Or does he prefer to coexist with me, living like roommates but never really touching true intimacy?
Will the serotonin producing medication ever make a difference on how he deals with people or will he remain like this for the rest of his life?
I am miserable. I have been miserable most of our marriage. When the addiction really kicked in and kicked me out of his heart (about 9 months after our wedding) I have gone back and forth between misery and hope that things will get better. I have never really touched on happiness or love or trust or respect. I just hope and pray for those things.
Before recovery I tried to “fix” everything and do it all “right” so that we could return to our pre-wedding relationship. The periods of misery would increase and hope was almost destroyed.
They we joined recovery. My periods of misery were lessened and my times of hope increased but still I have not gone back to love, to happiness or trust or respect.
Is this my life if I stay with this man? Will I live with the fantasy and hope that things will get better, that one day he will love me and respect me and cherish me but always finding those experiences to be a hope in the future but never an actual experience?
I am tired of hoping. I want the real thing. I want to be loved. I want to be cherished. I want to be safe in my marriage. I want to know that I matter to one person in this world – my husband.
I want to stop feeling alone, rejected, not good enough. I want the security that comes with true intimacy, knowing that no matter what happens, he will always be there loving me.
I don’t know that. I know daily, on-going, never ending – emotional rejection.
How do we navigate this one?
Filed under: Broken Trust, Lonliness, Partners of Sex Addicts, Personal Recovery, RCA - Recovering Couples Anonymous, SA Sexaholics Anonymous, Sexual Addiction, Sexual Anorexia, Working the S Anon Program | 6 Comments
We went to our therapist and discussed my issues of not feeling happy when I could see things changing around me. It seems that I am normal and that is a normal reaction. Knowing I am normal does not help the confusion or guilt or expectations that I place on myself.
Supposedly there is only 1 road for emotions to come out of. If we close that road to pain, hurt and rejection than we also close the road to happiness, joy and peace. If we want to feel our feelings we have to feel all of them and not pick and choose the feelings we want.
Supposedly we have to heal the pain that has been buried before we can feel the happiness of a moment.
I have buried a lot of pain. I have whole graveyards full of pain, rejection, abandonment and fear. Being the Queen of Control I learned to push away anything that interfered with what I needed to accomplish or just to get through the day. To remain married to a sex addict, required that I bury a lot of issues.
One of the issues came out in our session with the therapist. We talked about one moment in time that was very deeply personal and painful to both of us. I behaved extremely badly. I actually hit my husband that moment. It was my rock bottom. It was shaming, humiliating and unbelievable to me that I could sink that low, take the worst of everyone that I knew and bring it all together in one shining example of total dysfunction.
What I learned in that moment of our sharing was that we both carried pain, we both suffered and we both wished things could and would be different.
The last few days since our therapy appointment have been filled with our usual dance of me over sharing (desperately needing to be heard and keeping everything silent for so many years that once I hear a How Are You? I translate that into telling every deep dark emotion like a purging) and my husband who does not have the skills polished and ready to deal with that level of intimacy and emotion – ran away. Me chasing him with my bleeding heart of emotion and him running away in terror of depth of emotion are a lethal combination of pain creation.
We realize that while we want to heal our relationship and we want to be there for each other and we want to be healthy, whole human beings – we aren’t there yet. Our desire is not enough to give us the skills to do or say the right things. Our current level of recovery has gotten us to this point but we are not healed enough healthy, emotional discussions. We are still walking time bombs ready to set each other off filled with dysfunctional coping strategies.
I told my husband today that I was tired of hurting. He told me that he was tired of hurting me.
I think that is a good meeting place for us to begin anew.
Filed under: Broken Trust, My Personal Past and Healing, Partners of Sex Addicts, Personal Recovery, RCA - Recovering Couples Anonymous, Sexual Addiction, Sexual Anorexia, Working the S Anon Program | 3 Comments
My husband is becoming the man that I loved and married. He is becoming himself. He has been taking time for me, bringing me small gifts, he is attentive and kind. He listens when I speak. He is really trying.
He is making sense. He is making well thought out logical decisions. He is doing the right thing. He is developing leadership and inner respect.
Basically he is becoming the man that I always wanted.
So why am I not able to enjoy it? Why does it make me feel anxious?
I want to feel happy, excited and in love. I want to feel like I think I am supposed to feel but I don’t. I say the words, I participate in the moment, I do all that I would want to do thinking that I can make myself feel like I want to feel but all I feel is empty.
Is it because of the season? Am I missing long gone loved ones? Is the loss of relationships and family overriding my being happy? Are other areas of my life putting a cloud over the good things so that I can’t enjoy them?
Or is that I distrust the changes in my husband?
I know the changes are real. They are developing through recovery, medical attention and working the program. The changes are happening slowly and the result of daily work. I realize that I this is sincere change and sincerity coming from him.
So why am I so flat lined in my own emotions?
I am sure that this must be a part of the trauma and the healing of my trauma but it is making me feel guilty. How can I be receiving everything that I have asked for and wanted and still not be happy? It sounds like a classic addict – always wanting more, nothing being enough. But I am not an addict nor am I a co-addict. I never participated in my husband’s addiction nor did I excuse it. I fought it all the way although most of the time I was fighting an unknown assailant.
I will talk to our therapist about this but even speaking about it out loud makes me feel guilty.
Dammit I should be happy.
Filed under: Broken Trust, Lonliness, My Personal Past and Healing, Partners of Sex Addicts, Personal Recovery, RCA - Recovering Couples Anonymous, SA Sexaholics Anonymous, Sexual Addiction, Sexual Anorexia, Working the S Anon Program | 4 Comments
My husband just hit his first full year of continuous sexual sobriety. I know this is his milestone but it feels like mine too.
I am so proud of the hard work he has done. I am proud of the ugliness he has faced and addressed during this year. I am proud of who he is becoming.
I congratulated him today. At first his response was a sarcastic yeah. That moment was another small trigger for me. The last time I had congratulated him on achieving a milestone and received that kind of response, I found out later was because he was not in fact sober. My heart did a little jump but I caught my breath.
He immediately shared his true thoughts that he was proud of himself. He told me that he looked forward to the day when he could love himself as much as I loved him. I pray for that daily. I pray for God to show him his true self the way that God made him instead of judging himself by every single mistake he has made.
I know addiction makes the addict feel inferior, less than and demoralized. Each time he acted out and felt the shame and remorse, it ate away at his self image. Each time he promised himself that he would never act out again and then did, it made him not trust himself. Each time he lied to me to cover his own thoughts, actions and guilt, it ate away at his integrity.
But a year of sexual sobriety is a huge step.
He did not abandon all of his self destructive behaviors during this year. He still lied, he still manipulated, he still had moments of not accepting responsibility, acting out in other self destructive habits. He still felt ashamed of himself at times. He still had moments of weakness and insecurity.
But he was sexually sober for 1 year!
No matter what he faced, felt or endured, his addiction did not force him to act out.
He did not give in. He did not take the easy way. He faced what life threw at him and did the best he could at the time, with the skills he had at the time. Slowly but surely he grew up more this year than he has in God only knows how long.
He basically had to re-parent himself. He had to seek the guidance for the program, from others in recovery, from his sponsor and from his HP. Asking for help was not easy but he did it.
During his year of sobriety, I had to grow up and heal myself. I had to find new ways of coping. I had to let go of control and I had to learn what was mine and what was God’s. It has been a big year for me too. I have grown and expanded. Best of all, I have healed so much this past year.
Each day of continued sobriety made it so much easier for me to feel safe and secure. Each day without a lie made it easier to trust. But that does not mean this year has been easy. It has been one of the hardest years of my life. So many times I wanted to bail and run. So many times I thought the pain would finally break me. So many times I thought it was not worth it.
And then I/He/We make it through another event and I could breathe again. Each time we make it through something that I thought we couldn’t, I started to feel more alive and more loving.
That is actually one of the hardest things of this disease – losing the loving feeling toward my husband and remaining married anyway. Not feeling love, attraction or respect but remaining faithful and continuing to work on the marriage – anyways!! Reminding myself of the man that I fell in love with even when I couldn’t see him and was afraid that he was lost forever. Those were hard dark days. I pray that the majority of them are in my past now.
I am starting to feel love again. Not the deep, passionate, earth shattering love of our courtship but a calm love. Instead of telling myself daily that love is an action word and loving is a gift not a feeling and doing what I didn’t feel like doing has made me into a woman that I feel proud of myself.
Patrick Carnes says that healing from sexual addiction takes a commitment of 3 – 5 years. It takes commitment to recovery, commitment to sobriety, therapy, service work, healing of the past and in our case the addition of medical therapy as well. We have worked our individual programs, our coupleship recovery with RCA (Recovering Couples Anonymous) and we have done individual and couple therapy. We have attended retreats, marathons and conferences. We have read, watched and immersed ourselves in the recovery process and the result is 1 year of sobriety, one year closer to mental health and one year closer to a sane future.
I know this is his milestone but it is also mine for getting to this place still married and healthier than before I started. This is my victory as well and I am proud of myself too.
Filed under: Partners of Sex Addicts, Patrick Carnes, Personal Recovery, RCA - Recovering Couples Anonymous, SA Sexaholics Anonymous, Sexual Addiction, Working the S Anon Program | 1 Comment
Tags: patrick carnes, RCA, sexual addiction, Sobriety, triggers
Yesterday was a miracle. My husband apologized for 2 very big moments in our lives. For the first time since these moments happened, he apologized.
What a difference it has made to hear him accept full responsibility and say he is sorry for what he did and how it affected me. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted from me.
It doesn’t mean we are done or healed but for the first time I truly feel that my journey, my pain, my issues – matter. I feel heard and validated.
The first issue was a moment from our recent past. During a period of our lives that were extremely stressful and we were both not functioning well, the disclosure of the disease was recent, family trauma’s and losses were mounting up, financially we were in crisis, our entire lives turned upside down – my husband made a mistake and threw out my treasured Christmas ornaments. It may seem so insignificant but they were family memories, my history, my memories and I treasured them. I was heartbroken that they were gone. I was even more devastated that it didn’t seem to faze my husband how hurt I was by this.
Yesterday he told me that he has regretted that mistake since he made it. He said he felt horrible that he had taken something so important away from me even if he was not thinking clear headed at the time it happened.
He may not be at the step for amends yet but I immediately thanked him for letting me know how he felt and apologizing. I shared with him that he could make it up to me by making a new tradition of giving me a new treasured ornament every year, keeping the sentiment and heart felt feelings of the one’s gone with new one’s to replace them.
Immediately we both felt better and found a solution that repaired that moment for us. I hope and pray that my husband does in fact keep his word and make a point of giving me a new ornament every year and if he does it will be a true living amends to and for me.
The other apology came when we discussed a comment that he made during his last disclosure. He said something that make me immediately terrified. That comment has remained as a cloud hanging over me for the entire year since he said it. No matter where I went or what I did, I could not forget or recover from that comment. It came up in conversations and during our therapy sessions. Nothing I said or did would make the pain of the comment go away.
Last night he said to me that he was truly sorry for what that comment put me through. He meant it. I felt it.
These may only be 2 items out of a history of pain breadcrumbs that this addiction has left in our past but it is a start. And that gives my heart a huge leap of hope that working these steps, healing the pain of the past, that we can and will make a good and healthy marriage that will be safe for both of us.
And I guess there might be another of those recovery miracles that I have been praying for.
Filed under: Broken Trust, My Personal Past and Healing, Partners of Sex Addicts, Personal Recovery, RCA - Recovering Couples Anonymous, SA Sexaholics Anonymous, Sexual Addiction, Working the S Anon Program | 7 Comments
My mother had a wonderful way of us learning to ask for what we wanted. When we were children we would make long lists of everything we wanted. We were encouraged to make the list as long as possible and include everything we wanted on it. As children we were told that we would not receive everything on that list but we would only receive things from that list. It was a powerful lesson in learning to ask for what you want.
I remember during an extremely difficult time of our marriage before recovery, I thought that if my husband just knew what I wanted and needed that he would give it to me and we could live happily ever after. I wrote him one of my long lists of what I wanted to be happily married. I remember I even told him that I did not need everything on the list right away but I did need something.
Nothing materialized. I took that as a sign of rejection. Here I had told my husband what I needed and wanted and he was not doing it. It was no longer a matter of not knowing now he was just choosing not to do what I needed. That pain still runs deep for me because we are still in the same place.
Although my husband and I working through the book The 5 Love Languages, I have found that my past lessons have made it easy for me to identify what I want, in what order I place importance on what I want and ask for what I want. I have the expectation that once I have identified what I want, then I will receive it, although maybe not everything all at once.
My husband was taught not identify what he wanted and actually to not ask for anything. He spent many years of his childhood feeling guilty for what he wanted and then after denial became too great for him to live with, he would find a way to take what he wanted. Yes that involved some childhood stealing but it also involved manipulation and using people. I guess that is probably the most fertile ground for an addiction to grow in.
So while we are working on this new concept of identifying each others love languages and asking for what we want, I find things are still very one sided in our relationship. I can clearly articulate, itemize and identify everything that I want. My husband cannot articulate, itemize or identify anything that he wants.
I am not a therapist or a psychiatrist but I do know my husband very well, so my theory for this is that he does not know how to give or receive love – in any language, although he desperately needs and wants love like any other human being.
For those who have not read the book the premise is that there are 5 different languages we use to give and receive love. How we give love is usually how we would know how to receive love but how our partner receives what we give may not be the same.
The 5 Love Languages are:
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
- Acts of Service
I know that my husband’s number one love language is words of affirmation. It is what builds him up or tears him down. It is what he argues about not receiving enough of and most of his traumas have come from negative words. But how he shows love is with acts of service. He will clean up the house, make coffee, take out the garbage or maintain the car and consider this to be a huge declaration of love.
I try really hard to see his acts of service as loving gestures and although I can mentally acknowledge that it is for him, it just does nothing for me. I still feel unloved and unappreciated.
While the disease of addiction has caused so much destruction in our marriage, I think our inability to speak each other’s love languages AND articulate clearly our own love needs is one of the largest contributors to where we find ourselves now.
I have instinctively known that my husband values appreciation and have done my best to build him up. Actually before we got married, I knew that he was a lost soul and I truly believed that if I loved him enough, supported him enough and encouraged him enough that he would blossom. I knew nothing about the addiction so I was naive but I did know that he craved words. I have done my best to give him what he needs while guessing at those needs and I guess I have done a decent job because out of a score of 10 my husband feels loved about 7-8.
I am not able to do any better because neither he nor I know what is needed for me to love him like he needs to get to a full 10. If I knew what he needed, I would give it in a heartbeat.
Whereas I feel only loved about a score of 1-2 and most of that is intellectualizing that love instead of feeling it. From the bottom of my soul I want to FEEL loved and I want to KNOW that I am loved. My husband tells me he loves me daily, sometimes numerous times but those are words to me. I need effort, attention, physical touch. I need to know that he cared enough to take time to plan, to put me on the top of his to do list and cherished me enough to do what did not come easy to him but was needed and valued by only me.
So I got to wondering last night after another dreadful encounter of missed love opportunities and hurt feelings, is the miracle that I have been waiting for all these years, actually just learning to mutually give and receive love?
Filed under: Broken Trust, Lonliness, Partners of Sex Addicts, Personal Recovery, RCA - Recovering Couples Anonymous, SA Sexaholics Anonymous, Sexual Addiction, Sexual Anorexia, Working the S Anon Program | Leave a Comment
Tags: 12 step program, 5 Love Languages, addiction, Husband, intimacy within sex addiction, love, loving a sex addict, marriage, RCA, recovering couples anonymous, Relationship, repairing a marriage with a sex addict, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
When I started this blog, it was originally done as a way to process my thoughts and feelings and experiences. I was overwhelmed and could not think straight. I have lost the ability to write using a pen since the invention of the computer and so I type much better than I write. Somehow, someway when I write I bypass my brain and go directly from my heart to my fingers on the keyboard. Many times as I write I will be astonished by what comes out and it will be liking reading my thoughts for the first time. A total intimate and ah ha moment.
There are also times that I have treated this blog as my personal open prayer to my God. I have prayed out loud hoping that the thoughts, feelings and words would go into the universe and actually have some greater effect than my humble little voice might. I envision that when I pray on here, that I am sending a vibration to my HP that will come back to help in some greater way than I had envisioned. Mostly this has been the case for me. God has answered my prayers in so many countless ways.
Sometimes when I blog it is to remind myself that this too shall pass. Sometimes I blog about when things are good to remind myself that there are blessings and moments to cherish and that not all is bad. Sometimes I blog about when I fall to my knees and feel totally broken it is to remind myself that I have been there before and it has not killed me and this current blow will not kill me either. It is my gentle reminder that I have been down and broken before and I have found the fortitude and strength to get up and keep walking. Some days it requires more prayer for God to carry me when I have lost all strength but I know when I am down that I have gotten up in the past and I will continue to get up.
Sometimes I use this blog as footprints in the sand. It is my path and my journey. It is to remind myself of where I have been and how I have traveled. It is a reminder as to what worked and what did not. It is to remember the insights, the dreams, the learnings so that I never forget. I have so much to learn that I do want to repeat mistakes that I have already received the learning from.
I have forced/allowed myself to be intimate and open and honest. I have bared my soul and heart. Sometimes it was extremely painful to do so but mostly it was very healing for me. I have been blessed that when I feel the greatest healing or the deepest pain, it is when I have received the most feedback, concern and love coming from those who read my blog.
I want to be crystal clear that this blog was not started to bring attention to myself or make myself, my family or my situation a public spectacle. The disease of sex addiction is a nasty and cruel disease. I have used every arsenal at my disposal to heal myself and my family and marriage from this disease. I have joined S Anon and RCA to help me aid in the healing. I have read every book that I can get my hands on. I have become a spiritual seeker reading everything from Wayne Dyer to Marianne Williamson, Robert Holden to Carolyn Myss. I have researched God in Conversations with God and through the Mayan prophesies with Gregg Braden. I have become a sponge for any and all insights and healing that I can get.
When I first began blogging, I was overwhelmed by the responses of people who thought when I spoke of the pain that my husband put me through that meant that he was physically abusive. When I first began speaking on here about sexual addiction, I received many comments about watch out that my husband was not a child predator. Many comments were received and some really hurt, but most have been a Godsend. I have felt the love and sense of community that comes in the recovery movement more on here than I have in my face to face community. The love here is unfiltered, raw and very honest.
I have gone to great lengths to share about my experiences, my thoughts and my learning. I have gone to great lengths to protect others identities and anonymity while remaining totally open and honest about the truth of myself. Sometimes it is more difficult than others but I am confident that I have done a good job and my conscious is clear.
I speak from my point of view, with my experience of my healing and recovery with S Anon and RCA and every other material that has aided in my recovery.
I DO NOT speak as an agent, an authority or a spokesperson for S Anon or RCA. I do not profess that my life or journey is Conference approved (although can anyone’s journey be conference approved). I speak about my recovery path from sex addiction the same as someone might from alcoholism or cancer. This is strictly my path, my journey and my mistakes/learnings.
So with that preamble if I have ever come across as anything other than speaking from my point of view, my journey or my thoughts I want to apologize.
Recently I received a very upsetting comment that asked me to stop blogging and to stop breaking anonymity. This person felt that I was breaking the sanctity of their recovery by speaking openly and honestly about my experience and my journey within the S Anon pathway. I responded to that comment with open and honest integrity but obviously it was not received as I had sent it. I have decided not to print their comments but address the issues that were raised in case I inadvertently cross any lines.
I have prayed for days asking God to lead me on how to address this issue of discussing S Anon openly and my recovery with it. My heart is clean and clear. I believe strongly in the power of S Anon and how it has helped me recover. If my journey offers anything to others who seek recovery and are unsure of where to go, I only offer my experience, strength and hope that I have found within the S Anon recovery movement.
I am an expert at sex addiction as it has shown itself in my life and my marriage. I am NOT an expert in sex addiction and how it affects others.
I am an expert at my life and my experience. I am NOT an expert or spokesperson for S Anon. S Anon may or may not be for others but it has created a miracle in me and my life. If there is any hope in sharing that, I am open to sharing.
For any of you that may be offended by my sharing how S Anon has served and helped me, please know with all my heart that is my farthest intention.
I will continue to blog as long as I feel compelled to do so and as long as my HP guides me to. I will continue to do my best not to break any anonymity or the sanctity of the program.
I read blogs of others daily and have quoted them on here before. I read blogs about alcoholism, sex addiction from the addicts point of view and daily readings from Hazelden recovery.
For those who feel that I have shared too much I will reference a blog from Mr. Sponsorpants that I feel covers this point much better than I ever could about the anonymity of the program. I encourage you to read it because I feel exactly the same.
We are in a digital age and we need to break the cycle of addiction in any and every way possible. If my putting my life, my heart and my soul out on this blog does anything to help break that cycle, then I am willing and able.
Before I found S Anon, I did not know it existed. I knew nothing about sex addiction or that there was a recovery program. I was so lost. If this blog can be breadcrumbs in the lost forest for another soul to find S Anon, then I will feel that the sharing of my path has made a difference.
Filed under: My Personal Past and Healing, Partners of Sex Addicts, Personal Recovery, RCA - Recovering Couples Anonymous, Sexual Addiction, Sexual Anorexia, Working the S Anon Program | 9 Comments