Good Bye. It Is Time For Me to Leave.
I haven’t blogged in a long time. I thought I had said all I needed to say and that I was out of words for this blog but I realized that there was this last one to write.
I am leaving my husband. I am leaving this marriage.
I asked someone in my S Anon group how I would know when enough was enough. She told me something that I have lived by. She said when you come to a place of calmness and absolute clarity then I would know.
That day arrived.
I can say with absolute certainty that I did everything I could to make this marriage work and then I did more.
I loved with my entire whole heart and then I loved more.
I gave everything that I had and then I gave more.
And yet I was still miserable. It became crystal clear that I was using total self will. I wanted this marriage to work so bad, I wanted it to be the happy ever after that I always wanted, I wanted, I needed, I craved. It was all about me.
But what I really wanted was my husband to change to be different, to love me more intimately, to give me the kind of love that I wanted and needed. I wanted him to learn how to love in the way that I wanted and needed.
He did not want the same kind of love, or could not love the same way. Whatever the reason, the reality was I kept begging for changes, he kept promising changes and nothing changed.
He did stop the cruelty. He did stop being mean. His sobriety did change him but it never changed our relationship.
I have learned so much about myself since I made the decision to leave. I have learned so much about surrender and trust and Letting Go and Letting God. God could not guide me when I was so busy saying how I wanted it to be and who I wanted it to be with.
Now I am releasing, I am surrendering, I am trusting.
I am hurting. Don’t get me wrong. This is a painful process. The loss of a dream. The loss of my marriage. The breakup of my family. It is so very sad and painful. I get overcome with emotion when I least expect it and the tears flow. But this time I am allowing myself to feel the pain instead of trying to fix what it is hurting. I am allowing myself to be ok with the pain. I am encouraging myself to feel what I feel, telling myself it is ok, everything is going to be ok.
And I am discovering unconditional love for the first time in my life. I realized that the other and I realized it was me loving me. What a beautiful moment that realization was.
I also realized that it was ok to love the man but not love the marriage. I kept thinking because he was a good man, because he “should” be able to love completely and fully that we “should” have a wonderful marriage. I kept thinking because I loved this man that we “should” be able to have a happy marriage. I was “shoulding” all over myself and all over him.
I do love him. I have always loved him. I know that I will always love him. That was never the issue. I never loved myself enough to stand up for myself and my own needs. I gave all my love away to him and that was not good or healthy for either of us.
It has not been a good marriage for the majority of the marriage. It was a very unhappy, unhealthy, unsatisfying marriage for both of us. We wanted different things. I don’t know what he wanted from me but I wanted from him, he was not able to give.
Maybe he needs to walk this walk alone before he can love fully, maybe he needs to be alone the rest of his life, maybe he needs – blah blah blah. That is my crazy talking mind again. It is none of my business what he needs. I can only be concerned with what I need and this marriage is not providing a safe place for my needs to be heard and met. I am being cruel to myself forcing myself to stay in a place that does not support me.
So I have said goodbye to my husband. We are in the process of separating our stuff, our life, our past and ending things. We are being as reasonable as possible. We are being as considerate as possible but the sooner that we physically separate the better. It is only a couple of weeks and I know that this is my grieving time.
And so as I say goodbye to my old life, to my marriage, to my husband, I also say goodbye to you and this blog. I pray for you all who suffer.
This has been my journey. This has been my steps as honestly as I have experienced them. I hope that I have healed and grown enough that I will choose a healthier relationship next time, one that honors me and my needs but that is up to me to set those boundaries.
To all of you who have been walking with me, I thank you. Carol and David, you will never know how much my heart has been connected to you both. I pray you continue to live openly and honestly and find the love you both need within each other.
I say goodbye and I love you all.
Filed under: Uncategorized | 5 Comments