Good Bye. It Is Time For Me to Leave.

28Oct13

I haven’t blogged in a long time. I thought I had said all I needed to say and that I was out of words for this blog but I realized that there was this last one to write.

I am leaving my husband. I am leaving this marriage.

I asked someone in my S Anon group how I would know when enough was enough. She told me something that I have lived by. She said when you come to a place of calmness and absolute clarity then I would know.

That day arrived.

I can say with absolute certainty that I did everything I could to make this marriage work and then I did more.

I loved with my entire whole heart and then I loved more.

I gave everything that I had and then I gave more.

And yet I was still miserable. It became crystal clear that I was using total self will. I wanted this marriage to work so bad, I wanted it to be the happy ever after that I always wanted, I wanted, I needed, I craved. It was all about me.

But what I really wanted was my husband to change to be different, to love me more intimately, to give me the kind of love that I wanted and needed. I wanted him to learn how to love in the way that I wanted and needed.

He did not want the same kind of love, or could not love the same way. Whatever the reason, the reality was I kept begging for changes, he kept promising changes and nothing changed.

He did stop the cruelty. He did stop being mean. His sobriety did change him but it never changed our relationship.

I have learned so much about myself since I made the decision to leave. I have learned so much about surrender and trust and Letting Go and Letting God. God could not guide me when I was so busy saying how I wanted it to be and who I wanted it to be with.

Now I am releasing, I am surrendering, I am trusting.

I am hurting. Don’t get me wrong. This is a painful process. The loss of a dream. The loss of my marriage. The breakup of my family. It is so very sad and painful. I get overcome with emotion when I least expect it and the tears flow. But this time I am allowing myself to feel the pain instead of trying to fix what it is hurting. I am allowing myself to be ok with the pain. I am encouraging myself to feel what I feel, telling myself it is ok, everything is going to be ok.

And I am discovering unconditional love for the first time in my life. I realized that the other and I realized it was me loving me. What a beautiful moment that realization was.

I also realized that it was ok to love the man but not love the marriage. I kept thinking because he was a good man, because he “should” be able to love completely and fully that we “should” have a wonderful marriage. I kept thinking because I loved this man that we “should” be able to have a happy marriage. I was “shoulding” all over myself and all over him.

I do love him. I have always loved him. I know that I will always love him. That was never the issue. I never loved myself enough to stand up for myself and my own needs. I gave all my love away to him and that was not good or healthy for either of us.

It has not been a good marriage for the majority of the marriage. It was a very unhappy, unhealthy, unsatisfying marriage for both of us. We wanted different things. I don’t know what he wanted from me but I wanted from him, he was not able to give.

Maybe he needs to walk this walk alone before he can love fully, maybe he needs to be alone the rest of his life, maybe he needs – blah blah blah. That is my crazy talking mind again. It is none of my business what he needs. I can only be concerned with what I need and this marriage is not providing a safe place for my needs to be heard and met. I am being cruel to myself forcing myself to stay in a place that does not support me.

So I have said goodbye to my husband. We are in the process of separating our stuff, our life, our past and ending things. We are being as reasonable as possible. We are being as considerate as possible but the sooner that we physically separate the better. It is only a couple of weeks and I know that this is my grieving time.

And so as I say goodbye to my old life, to my marriage, to my husband, I also say goodbye to you and this blog. I pray for you all who suffer.

This has been my journey. This has been my steps as honestly as I have experienced them. I hope that I have healed and grown enough that I will choose a healthier relationship next time, one that honors me and my needs but that is up to me to set those boundaries.

To all of you who have been walking with me, I thank you. Carol and David, you will never know how much my heart has been connected to you both. I pray you continue to live openly and honestly and find the love you both need within each other.

I say goodbye and I love you all.

Mysa

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5 Responses to “Good Bye. It Is Time For Me to Leave.”

  1. 1 Mary

    Please don’t say goodbye….please give up hope and direction of our feelings. I too have ended my marriage (not to my own chosing) but that my ex has decided to remarry his much older wife. But I am at a loss…loss…Along my way, I lost all friendships, a church that didn’t help but created me as the outcast….Im in a state where I don’t see the world as I once did. I started reading your blogs once my marriage was getting towards the really bad parts of having police get involved and having a lot of trips to the ER. Please give me hope that there is something beyond what is left,,,,destruction…I wish I could say I have some support system in place, but my support system was asked by chuch leaders to not allow me back to the group.

  2. 2 Teresa

    I just found your blog. My heart is breaking for you and I am in the same position as you. Your words are so precious to read. It’s like you wrote exactly what I have been through and sadly the final conclusions.

    I think as much as you feel this journey is over and trust me I understand as I am just 2 months separated now….I am choosing to view it as a new chapter. I go to sanon and everyone there is still with the SA. It’s comforting to be there and know that they are also the only others that walked the tortuous miles I have. However, there is so much more that I feel has been stolen from my life and a life yet to explore without the SA that has literally left me like the demolished car you write of in previous blogs. Now, I think – how does one start to take that and rebuild from the ground. I knew at the end that my future with the SA was guaranteed to be painful and more gut wrenching than finding out what is on the other side of the ocean. I’m trying to rebuild and I’ve only started with cleaning off one little smudge. A plan still isn’t together wreckage and tears all around.

    But….I’ve stepped out of the hurricane of chaos. I can pay the bills. I won’t find unknown women’s underwear in my home again or read his cyber porn love letters to hundreds of other women again. His fight is now….his. And mine…mine. I spent thousands of hours crying and hoping and trying to find the right key to unlock the mystery of why he is so messed up. It’s not for me to do anymore. Now, I have to work on me. Me and a future that god help me might contain a health and happiness. I wish that for you. Your words comforted me.

    God bless you

    • Teresa,

      I too have stepped out the chaos and feel more at peace and lighter than I remember feeling. There are still ties and healing that I am working on but I am ready to step into my own life, step into my ownself and leave his path and his journey to him. I hear you.

      May you find healing so that you can live peace. That is what I want for us all, no matter how we find it.

      Mysa

  3. 4 beck

    It seems like I have found your blog at an untimely moment. I’m at the beginning of finding out my husband has SA. I’m Sorry for what you have endured. :Virtual Hugs: I wish I knew what to say, but sadly I am at a lost. Good luck to you in the future and :Hugs: Thank you for creating a blog that was honest and came from your own perspective. I feel better knowing i’m not the only one.
    Thank you MYSA!

  4. Beck,

    Timing is everything. You found me and this blog at the right time for you just like my leaving was the right time for me. Every once in awhile I check to see if there are any comments because the women who walk this walk are still so connected to my heart.

    I am free from the ties of my marriage and my SA now. I am healing. I am releasing my past. All is well.

    Feel free to connect with others in this blog or rant and rave. The releasing of emotions and setting them free in this virtual world was one of the most healing things that I ever did for myself.

    Big hugs,

    Mysa


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